Crew of the U.S.S. Ed Begley Junior
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This website documents the true accounts of the crew aboard the U.S.S. Ed Begley Jr...
After Commander Spock discovered faster than light travel, he and a group of his nefariously genius friends
acquired funds from Captain Magnum's crazy uncle Morb and under top secret guise built the USS Ed Begley Jr. , the
worlds first faster than light space ship.
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Rounding up a crew of redshirts from sci fi conventions around the world the group set sail in March of 2009.
With the world's governments unaware, they launched With the secrets of space travel safely aboard. They are the sole space explorers for mankind.
They abandoned their earth names and dawned new ones more fitting of the worlds first space explorers.
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 | James Magnum
Rank: Captain |
Ship's captain and a born leader. His cavalier attitude and quick wit have helped the crew out of many a sticky situation.
Having dropped out of Harvard for reasons involving a lemon wedge, the dean's daughter, and a flowbee, his knack for getting out of tough situations
is only surpassed by his keen ability to get into them.
 | Vader Gettothechopper Spock
Rank: Commander, Ship's First officer and chief science officer. |
First officer and Best friend to Captain Magnum. Spock is responsible for the discovery of warp drive and made this ship a reality with
his unsurpassed knowledge of physics and science. Having an IQ of 163, he loves marbles and anything Japanese. Six weeks prior to leaving earth, Spock had his ears cosmetically altered to look like those of a
Vulcan citizen. The same day he received his Nobel prize for temporal distortion in singularity driven solid state matter, he also received a "E" Award
for nerdiest person ever.
 | Khan Noonien Monkey
Rank: Leiutenant Commander, Ship's Chief Engineer |
Captain Magnum bought Khan from a transient in the lower west side of manhattan for a comb, 37 cents, and a half empty pack
of runts. Khan Noonien Monkey is a regular spider monkey
that confused his kibble in the lab one day with a brain enhancing steroid. His IQ is now 140 and his sex drive has risen equally. On a side
note, he is unmatched in his skills of mechanics and thermodynamics. His hobbies include throwing feces at people in the hall, and
humping anything that looks like a potato. He's quite the ladies man, though will attack anyone he sees using airquotes or saying "quote-un-quote."
 | Dr. Comely Forceps
Rank: Ships Chief Medical Doctor |
A brilliant doctor and published author he has the bedside manner of a plate of microwaved slugs covered in diarrhea.
He enjoys gardening in the eco-dome and putting together puzzles.
On Earth, Dr. Forceps was Rupret and Captain Magnum's primary care physician. He is a Jew and brought his cat Lahiem aboard the Ed Begley Jr.
 | Boobs
Rank: Lieutenant, Ship's pilot and Communications Officer |
Boobs is a stripper, aka Boobs McGee, that jumped out of a cake at Dr. Forcep's 45th birthday party. While jumping out she slipped on some
frosting and developed a rapport with the good doctor. She received her PHD. in astrophysics shortly
after eating some of Khan Noonien Monkey's brain enhancing kibble which she mistook for chex mix.
The only side effect the drug has on Lieutenant Boobs is that for about thirteen minutes a day she is legally retarded.
Besides that she has an IQ of 145 and size DDD breasts. Her hobbies include discrete mathematics and putting her ankles behind her head.
 | Rupret
Rank: None. |
Captain Magnum's baby brother and a stowaway on U.S.S. Ed Begley Jr.
 | Uncle Morb
Rank: Sub-Leiutenant, Consult to Engineering and Navigation |
 | Pierre LeTwat
Rank: Ensign-Lieutenant, Ships Cook |
Pierre LeTwat was the cook at the local Chucky Cheese's in Captain Magnum's hometown in Oregon and now the Ed Begley's head chef.
An accomplished master of the culinary arts, he was kicked out of the prestigious Paris Culinary School for his insistence on
using tarragon in everything. A flamboyant libra, many people mistake his French shwa de vive as homosexuality.
He enjoys having high tea with imaginary friends and covering himself in peanut butter while watching episodes of the A-Team on mute.
 | Redshirts
Rank: Redshirt |
Seen throughout the ship from time to time, redshirts outnumber the officers 10 to 1. The redshirts are the lifeblood of the U.S.S. Ed Begely Jr. Their actual rank is designated
right below the rank of Worthless Piece of Crap. They work long hours, are subjected to any number of possible humiliating circumstances and are used as
general cannon fodder, all for the chance of someday being promoted by Captain Magnum.
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